Kurt The Social Anxiety Ridden Koala: A Cautionary Tale

One day there was a koala bear called Kurt, who suffered from crippling social anxiety. He was too afraid to leave the house. He had a girlfriend called Melissa, but he was too anxious to be around her. Sometimes they would talk on MSN, but whenever she requested a web-cam interaction he was debilitated by heart-wrenching fear.

The only person he could bear to be around was his mother, who only made him feel mildly nauseous. Kurt's therapist was a Freudian, and said that his problems stemmed from an extreme Oedipal complex. Kurt pointed out that most of Freud's theories had been discredited. Kurt's therapist saw this bold undermining of his authority as a demonstration of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He decided the best course of action was to put Kurt on a shit ton of meds.

After Kurt had taken his shit ton of meds, he began to see his therapist's point of view. In fact, Kurt had depersonalised to such an extent, that he was willing believe that he was the kind of person who wanted to plough his mother.

Kurt's therapist was very pleased with Kurt's progress. Kurt had become so compliant that he had pretty much lost the ability to think for himself, but gained a whole host of new friends. But Kurt's new friends were a bad bunch. They used Kurt as a drugs mule. Kurt was so pliable, that they merely had to suggest that Kurt insert a bag of heroin into his anus and cross the state border, and Kurt would happily comply. Kurt was just happy to have such great pals. Maybe after the drugs pick-up, they would go for ice-cream sundaes, just like he always dreamed. 

THE END.