Dating For Dunces: How To Make Men Think You Are Kind Of Okay And Good Back Up Material If It Doesn't Work Out With The Other, More Attractive Girls He's Dating.

Dating is difficult. Take the 'dat' out of dating with my handy-how to guide to woo any man!*

(*Any, as long as you don't set your sights too high, aim out of your league or punch above your weight. You know what happened to Icarus when he flew too close to the sun? He got BURNED, bitch.)

It's sad when hot guys die. Manage your expectations.

1. Dress Code

Men are simple creatures. You don't want to confuse them because then they won't like you. This is an honest to God fact that a male friend of mine once told me. Well, he actually shouted it at me whilst trying to force me out of a moving vehicle, and it wasn't that he said I was confusing – I think he was actually calling me a cunt. But boys never say what they mean, so you have to learn to read between the lines.

When it comes to outfit choices, you have only two options. Super Slutty or Amish. There is absolutely no middle ground on this. The renowned Sexologist Dr. Sigmund Freud has written extensively about a little something called the “Madonna-Whore” complex. Guys are super into this. Now, I know what you're thinking guys, Madonna does look kind of like a brothel madame, but Freud didn't mean that Madonna. I know, I googled it. The Whore is a classic look which tells guys you are a fun-loving gal who might also expect a cash payment at the end of the evening. The Amish leaves a little more to the imagination and is perfect for a guy who is just using you as a beard to take home to Mum and Dad over Christmas so he can prove once and for all that Brian is just his flat-mate and nothing more.

Here's a break down of each of these looks:

a) WHORE

If I had Courtney Stodden's body, I would wear way less clothes than this.

This look is pretty simple. Think of a stripper. Then dress like her.

b) AMISH

Leaving a little something to the imagination drives boys wild.

With this look, you should show as little skin as possible, because as Cher from Clueless once said, skin makes boys think about sex – and if the kind of boy you're dating is into this look, then he is probably terrified of sex and wants to keep you as asexual and un-threatening as possible. Don't forget to make sure your rape whistle is a prominent part of your outfit. If he tries to kiss you goodnight, blow the damn whistle as hard as you can. He will respect you for your straightforwardness and candour.

2. Conversation
   
   

   

    I'm just saying, more women should trade their vocal chords for a hot pair of legs.

   
   

Boys love a woman who can listen. To show that you are really listening hard, don't say a word the whole evening. This will make you seem mysterious but also genuinely interested in what he has to say. Don't talk about yourself, it's rude and he won't appreciate what you have to say. Instead ask him questions. Don't get personal – no family questions and definitely don't ask where he works because he'll think you're a gold-digging whore. Stick to casual and non-inflammatory chit-chat about sports teams, the weather and how funny you think Jeremy Clarkson is, especially when he's being derogatory about Mexicans.

Men hate women who take charge, so when he asks where you want to go, shrug your shoulders, avoid eye contact and for God's sake don't ever venture an opinion. Men like it when girls are completely passive and maybe even a little afraid of them. Remember to cower at various points throughout the night, hunch your shoulders and make your eyes look cold and dead. You could have all the right conversational skills, but without the right demeanour you're not gonna bag the guy – remember the three P's – Passive, Pretty and Punchbag material.

3. The Shrew
   
   

   

   His eyes are screaming.

   
   

This is an advanced move, for advanced daters. Unfortunately, if you've gotten to the stage where you're an advanced dater, then you are more than likely sad, old and terminally single. Disregard all the above information and make this your new go to move. The Shrew is a difficult one to pull off, but once you've mastered it, men everywhere will want to re-home the 45 cats that you share your apartment with so that they can move in instead.

You're familiar with Shakespeare's The Taming of The Shrew? Of course you are, that's why you're alone, because you spent too much time brushing up on your booksmarts and not enough time brushing your hair and trying to look cute. In Shakespeare's day The Shrew was a move that involves being an abrasive bitch and then allowing a man to 'tame' you. Now if you're in the advanced stages of dating already, you probably don't have time to be tamed. Instead, go to a bar, get drunk and obnoxious, bring someone home (if you're classy, but an alleyway will do equally as well) through sheer force of will and then poke holes in the condom. BAM, you've got yourself a baby and a new boyfriend!

My book WHY WON'T HE IMPREGNATE ME, IT'S BEEN TWO DATES ALREADY?! is out now.

How I Fell Out Of Love With Zooey Deschanel

I'll admit it, I'm fickle. But what I had with Zooey, well it may sound naïve, but I thought it was forever. It wasn't another Lady Gaga situation where the stench of desperation and raw meat and the ever decreasing quality of her music meant I just had to call time on our relationship. Zooey had indie girl credibility. She was married to that dude from that band I don't like. She was in a band with another dude I don't like. But she was also in (500) Days of Summer, which I did like. Not just because Joseph Gorden Levitt is a major babe, but because Zooey stole my heart with her whimsical Williamsburg hipster's-wet-dream charm. “Ringo is my favourite Beatle too!” I remember thinking, my heart skipping beats, fluttering with a new found sense of joy, of elation that I had finally found my soul mate. 

She's so zany and non-commital!

I wanted Zooey to shout “PENIS!” at me in public places, I wanted to brush her beautiful hair and discuss My Little Pony vs. The Carebears with her. Then I saw New Girl and I realised what a macabre charade my infatuation with Zooey had been. She was no cooler than me, not even in that Jamboree t-shirt. I watched three episodes before I decided that Zooey and I are over. No one can say I didn't try. In New Girl, Zooey re-hashes the Manic Pixie Dream Girl she played in (500) Days of Summer but with 1000% added clutziness, kookiness, whackiness and other words you associate with someone who is completely unbearable but you're trying to be polite about. 

My go-to move for bonding with new flat-mates also involves weeping unashamedly in public view.

WHY DOES SHE FALL OVER SO MUCH? WHY IS SHE SO ZANY? HAS SHE EVER MET A SWEATER SHE DIDN'T LIKE? These are the pertinent questions that spring to mind whilst watching New Girl. As an audience we are supposed to find it HI-LARIOUS when our gal Zooey thinks wearing dungarees is acceptable on a first date. Luckily her super-babe, supermodel friend who insists on wearing oddly formal attire at all occasions intervenes and Zooey is made acceptable to the male gaze. She is, however, still SUPER QUIRKY so, you know, GIRL POWER.

The word “kooky” has often been applied to Zooey Deschanel. Kooky is an insult, a nice way of saying bat shit crazy. I genuinely don't understand why her room-mates seem so happy to be co-habiting with a mentally unstable woman-child. I can only hope the season finale involves an intervention in which every cast member informs Zooey that being a flailing, squealing loon does not make you a charming, loveable scamp. It makes you a cunt. I imagine the final scene will involve Zooey looking into the Hello Kitty mirror on her vanity table, gazing dully at her reflection before reaching for the telephone to call her doctor to get a prescription for some mood stabilisers, Lithuium – I don't know, anything to make the flailing stop. 

Giving Jim Carrey a run for his money in the flailing lunatic stakes.

So goodbye Fringe-Face. Don't call me, I won't answer. There will always be a special place in my heart for your hair though.

 

You Talkin' To Me?: Networking For The Socially Inept

Yesterday I attended a career planning seminar held by my university. A lot of emphasis was placed upon the importance of networking. As I sat in the audience, nodding sagely along to the advice we were being given, I noticed that none of my fellow students exuded the same aura of confidence and charisma as I did. One guy had thrown up on his feet. Luckily he was wearing terrible shoes so it wasn't a big deal, but potential employees (as a rule of thumb) are not particularly into nausea and vomit stains. Again, this depends on the industry. There are no hard and fast rules to networking. That being said, here are my hard and fast rules to being the best god damn networker you can be. These rules can also be applied to every other aspect of your interactions with those of the human species – especially in romantic conquests and making new friends.

Here is a picture of me with a friend. Look at the fun we are having. In this picture I have applied 

all three of my fail safe human interaction techniques. Follow my advice and you too could

own a friend just like this. I am unemployed though, so I don't know whether this will

get you a job.

3. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID.

Employers like someone who isn't afraid to be terrified in social situations. Meeting new people is awful. We all know this, so why try to hide it? If you seem at ease in a big room full of important people, your future boss will know immediately that you are either a) full of shit or b) a psychopath. There are two kinds of people that we are instinctively programmed to avoid – liars and serial killers. It is of great importance that you make yourself as distinct from these two groups as possible. And this is why having a panic attack in front of your future employer could really open doors for you. 

Menstrual blood optional.

Now, I know I said employers aren't into vomit, but if you're at a fancy shindig and there's some big high-up corporate type who you need to impress – here's an insider tip – a little palm sweat goes a long way. When you shake their hand make sure your palms are visibly clammy. This shows your future employer that you are intensely afraid of them, thus making them feel empowered. It also shows that you are not afraid to feel vulnerable in front of people. If you can manage a few tears as well, this will show people that you are in touch with your emotions and therefore your instincts. Sweaty, weepy people are an asset to any organisation and don't you forget it, champ.

2. THE POWER OF NEGATIVE THINKING

Okay, so, some psychological study (google it yourself I'm doing you enough favours) said that people respond better to someone they had just met when they said something negative rather than positive. The reasoning behind it was that saying something negative rather than something positive meant that the other person felt like they were being entrusted with a super fun secret which immediately made them open up to the other person. Basically, bitching gets you everywhere. Be rude and critical and mean about things and people will immediately think you are an honest, open, warm and caring person that they just have to get to know! 

The "Burn Book" is an excellent networking tool.

Employers are used to sycophantic assholes. The way to really stand out from the crowd and grab the big-wigs' attention is to be aggressive, abrasive and really insulting. It works in Hollywood movies! You know, that scene where the sassy young go-getter is obnoxious and rude to her boss and is given a promotion. REAL LIFE IS EXACTLY LIKE THIS. People in power are used to suck-ups and enablers. You may say this is because they like suck-ups and enablers and purposely surround themselves with these people. You would be wrong. Powerful people like to be made to feel like shit. There are women who specialise in these services, but you can provide it to them for free! Tell 'em their company sucks! Their novel was so bad it made you forget how to read! The iPad 2 gave you chronic diarrhoea! Networking is all about standing out from the crowd. No one else will be saying these things, so ingratiate yourself by being ungrateful, unpleasant to be around and downright insulting. They won't forget you in a hurry.

N.B: If you want to apply this rule to making friends, ask what their favourite music is. No matter what their reply is immediately respond with “JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? THEY ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE, YOU MUST BE RETARDED.” They will be impressed by how upfront you are and your unwavering ability to stay true to yourself even when it makes you look like a cunt.

1. AGGRESSION + INTENSITY = LIKEABILITY

This simple equation is the rule you need to keep in mind whenever you're networking. Here is a classic networking scenario – you're a cater waiter at a fancy party. You're serving canapés when across the room you notice Mr. Super Important Guy. Your natural instinct will be to play it cool, keep doing your job and maybe try and engage Mr. SIG in conversation when you offer him a canapé later in the evening. THIS IS WRONG. ALL WRONG. You need to act aggressively. Tear off your name tag, turn over a table, throw your silver tray at your boss and tell them to fuck themselves. This will attract the attention of Mr. SIG. When you notice him looking your way, ask him “YOU TALKIN' TO ME?” like you're De Niro in Taxi Driver. He will probably be confused because he hasn't said anything. Now is your time to pounce. Leap in and introduce yourself. This is how you make contacts.

Once you've made the contact, DO NOT LET IT GO AT ANY COST. This is where intensity comes into play. E-mail, text, phone, stalk, stand outside their window with a boom box in the pouring rain. You cannot lapse in intensity, not even a tiny little bit. You need to keep the pressure on 24/7. YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO SLEEP. Industry people are busy people, if you are not constantly reminding them that you exist, they will forget. The more intense you are, the more likeable you are. People will admire you for your moxy and your dedication and will definitely call you the next time a job you could be right for comes their way. They will definitely not ring the police so don't be afraid to break into their houses, threaten their children and really hammer home what a great candidate for the job you are. 

Now get out there and network!