You Talkin' To Me?: Networking For The Socially Inept

Yesterday I attended a career planning seminar held by my university. A lot of emphasis was placed upon the importance of networking. As I sat in the audience, nodding sagely along to the advice we were being given, I noticed that none of my fellow students exuded the same aura of confidence and charisma as I did. One guy had thrown up on his feet. Luckily he was wearing terrible shoes so it wasn't a big deal, but potential employees (as a rule of thumb) are not particularly into nausea and vomit stains. Again, this depends on the industry. There are no hard and fast rules to networking. That being said, here are my hard and fast rules to being the best god damn networker you can be. These rules can also be applied to every other aspect of your interactions with those of the human species – especially in romantic conquests and making new friends.

Here is a picture of me with a friend. Look at the fun we are having. In this picture I have applied 

all three of my fail safe human interaction techniques. Follow my advice and you too could

own a friend just like this. I am unemployed though, so I don't know whether this will

get you a job.

3. BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID.

Employers like someone who isn't afraid to be terrified in social situations. Meeting new people is awful. We all know this, so why try to hide it? If you seem at ease in a big room full of important people, your future boss will know immediately that you are either a) full of shit or b) a psychopath. There are two kinds of people that we are instinctively programmed to avoid – liars and serial killers. It is of great importance that you make yourself as distinct from these two groups as possible. And this is why having a panic attack in front of your future employer could really open doors for you. 

Menstrual blood optional.

Now, I know I said employers aren't into vomit, but if you're at a fancy shindig and there's some big high-up corporate type who you need to impress – here's an insider tip – a little palm sweat goes a long way. When you shake their hand make sure your palms are visibly clammy. This shows your future employer that you are intensely afraid of them, thus making them feel empowered. It also shows that you are not afraid to feel vulnerable in front of people. If you can manage a few tears as well, this will show people that you are in touch with your emotions and therefore your instincts. Sweaty, weepy people are an asset to any organisation and don't you forget it, champ.

2. THE POWER OF NEGATIVE THINKING

Okay, so, some psychological study (google it yourself I'm doing you enough favours) said that people respond better to someone they had just met when they said something negative rather than positive. The reasoning behind it was that saying something negative rather than something positive meant that the other person felt like they were being entrusted with a super fun secret which immediately made them open up to the other person. Basically, bitching gets you everywhere. Be rude and critical and mean about things and people will immediately think you are an honest, open, warm and caring person that they just have to get to know! 

The "Burn Book" is an excellent networking tool.

Employers are used to sycophantic assholes. The way to really stand out from the crowd and grab the big-wigs' attention is to be aggressive, abrasive and really insulting. It works in Hollywood movies! You know, that scene where the sassy young go-getter is obnoxious and rude to her boss and is given a promotion. REAL LIFE IS EXACTLY LIKE THIS. People in power are used to suck-ups and enablers. You may say this is because they like suck-ups and enablers and purposely surround themselves with these people. You would be wrong. Powerful people like to be made to feel like shit. There are women who specialise in these services, but you can provide it to them for free! Tell 'em their company sucks! Their novel was so bad it made you forget how to read! The iPad 2 gave you chronic diarrhoea! Networking is all about standing out from the crowd. No one else will be saying these things, so ingratiate yourself by being ungrateful, unpleasant to be around and downright insulting. They won't forget you in a hurry.

N.B: If you want to apply this rule to making friends, ask what their favourite music is. No matter what their reply is immediately respond with “JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? THEY ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE, YOU MUST BE RETARDED.” They will be impressed by how upfront you are and your unwavering ability to stay true to yourself even when it makes you look like a cunt.

1. AGGRESSION + INTENSITY = LIKEABILITY

This simple equation is the rule you need to keep in mind whenever you're networking. Here is a classic networking scenario – you're a cater waiter at a fancy party. You're serving canapés when across the room you notice Mr. Super Important Guy. Your natural instinct will be to play it cool, keep doing your job and maybe try and engage Mr. SIG in conversation when you offer him a canapé later in the evening. THIS IS WRONG. ALL WRONG. You need to act aggressively. Tear off your name tag, turn over a table, throw your silver tray at your boss and tell them to fuck themselves. This will attract the attention of Mr. SIG. When you notice him looking your way, ask him “YOU TALKIN' TO ME?” like you're De Niro in Taxi Driver. He will probably be confused because he hasn't said anything. Now is your time to pounce. Leap in and introduce yourself. This is how you make contacts.

Once you've made the contact, DO NOT LET IT GO AT ANY COST. This is where intensity comes into play. E-mail, text, phone, stalk, stand outside their window with a boom box in the pouring rain. You cannot lapse in intensity, not even a tiny little bit. You need to keep the pressure on 24/7. YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO SLEEP. Industry people are busy people, if you are not constantly reminding them that you exist, they will forget. The more intense you are, the more likeable you are. People will admire you for your moxy and your dedication and will definitely call you the next time a job you could be right for comes their way. They will definitely not ring the police so don't be afraid to break into their houses, threaten their children and really hammer home what a great candidate for the job you are. 

Now get out there and network!