Dating For Dunces: How To Make Men Think You Are Kind Of Okay And Good Back Up Material If It Doesn't Work Out With The Other, More Attractive Girls He's Dating.

Dating is difficult. Take the 'dat' out of dating with my handy-how to guide to woo any man!*

(*Any, as long as you don't set your sights too high, aim out of your league or punch above your weight. You know what happened to Icarus when he flew too close to the sun? He got BURNED, bitch.)

It's sad when hot guys die. Manage your expectations.

1. Dress Code

Men are simple creatures. You don't want to confuse them because then they won't like you. This is an honest to God fact that a male friend of mine once told me. Well, he actually shouted it at me whilst trying to force me out of a moving vehicle, and it wasn't that he said I was confusing – I think he was actually calling me a cunt. But boys never say what they mean, so you have to learn to read between the lines.

When it comes to outfit choices, you have only two options. Super Slutty or Amish. There is absolutely no middle ground on this. The renowned Sexologist Dr. Sigmund Freud has written extensively about a little something called the “Madonna-Whore” complex. Guys are super into this. Now, I know what you're thinking guys, Madonna does look kind of like a brothel madame, but Freud didn't mean that Madonna. I know, I googled it. The Whore is a classic look which tells guys you are a fun-loving gal who might also expect a cash payment at the end of the evening. The Amish leaves a little more to the imagination and is perfect for a guy who is just using you as a beard to take home to Mum and Dad over Christmas so he can prove once and for all that Brian is just his flat-mate and nothing more.

Here's a break down of each of these looks:

a) WHORE

If I had Courtney Stodden's body, I would wear way less clothes than this.

This look is pretty simple. Think of a stripper. Then dress like her.

b) AMISH

Leaving a little something to the imagination drives boys wild.

With this look, you should show as little skin as possible, because as Cher from Clueless once said, skin makes boys think about sex – and if the kind of boy you're dating is into this look, then he is probably terrified of sex and wants to keep you as asexual and un-threatening as possible. Don't forget to make sure your rape whistle is a prominent part of your outfit. If he tries to kiss you goodnight, blow the damn whistle as hard as you can. He will respect you for your straightforwardness and candour.

2. Conversation
   
   

   

    I'm just saying, more women should trade their vocal chords for a hot pair of legs.

   
   

Boys love a woman who can listen. To show that you are really listening hard, don't say a word the whole evening. This will make you seem mysterious but also genuinely interested in what he has to say. Don't talk about yourself, it's rude and he won't appreciate what you have to say. Instead ask him questions. Don't get personal – no family questions and definitely don't ask where he works because he'll think you're a gold-digging whore. Stick to casual and non-inflammatory chit-chat about sports teams, the weather and how funny you think Jeremy Clarkson is, especially when he's being derogatory about Mexicans.

Men hate women who take charge, so when he asks where you want to go, shrug your shoulders, avoid eye contact and for God's sake don't ever venture an opinion. Men like it when girls are completely passive and maybe even a little afraid of them. Remember to cower at various points throughout the night, hunch your shoulders and make your eyes look cold and dead. You could have all the right conversational skills, but without the right demeanour you're not gonna bag the guy – remember the three P's – Passive, Pretty and Punchbag material.

3. The Shrew
   
   

   

   His eyes are screaming.

   
   

This is an advanced move, for advanced daters. Unfortunately, if you've gotten to the stage where you're an advanced dater, then you are more than likely sad, old and terminally single. Disregard all the above information and make this your new go to move. The Shrew is a difficult one to pull off, but once you've mastered it, men everywhere will want to re-home the 45 cats that you share your apartment with so that they can move in instead.

You're familiar with Shakespeare's The Taming of The Shrew? Of course you are, that's why you're alone, because you spent too much time brushing up on your booksmarts and not enough time brushing your hair and trying to look cute. In Shakespeare's day The Shrew was a move that involves being an abrasive bitch and then allowing a man to 'tame' you. Now if you're in the advanced stages of dating already, you probably don't have time to be tamed. Instead, go to a bar, get drunk and obnoxious, bring someone home (if you're classy, but an alleyway will do equally as well) through sheer force of will and then poke holes in the condom. BAM, you've got yourself a baby and a new boyfriend!

My book WHY WON'T HE IMPREGNATE ME, IT'S BEEN TWO DATES ALREADY?! is out now.